re: VIDEO-GAMING / LP SERIES - This did not age well

I forgot this blog existed. My life is so utterly different now.

I used to maintain this blog as a middle schooler, then for a variety of arts classes two colleges ago (you can imagine the cringe I deleted at that time to save face). It was an outlet to my fixations at the time, one of them being the rise of Let's Player content and Gaming Personalities on YouTube. 

I was a fan of many content creators. Unfortunately, almost all of them have been subject to extreme scrutiny and various cancellation attempts - for a variety of Valid reasons. I will get into this, don't worry.

I have since deleted and/or privated posts singing the praises of these content creators. I don't make those decisions lightly. And in my mind, there's a difference between being embarrassed at the "cringe" nature of my "takes" a decade ago, and wanting to remove any content that praises people who have since been outed as groomers, predators, abusers, racists, and even fascists. 

I could write about many, but my words are strongest when they are closest to me. So I'll primarily focus on the conduct of Raedwulfgamer / IamRaedwulf / Ralph Sweeney. His Wikitubia article is still available.  

Yes, that warning is a foreshadowing of what is to come. And if you're one of the many fans who still refuses to believe this reality, know that I am writing this specifically with you in mind. 

I was a fan of Raed's from the early days of indie horror on YouTube. Just creators with shitty webcams yelling at shitty jumpscares and cracking jokes. I became very close to the community. I became a person that people knew in the community. I was one of the admins of Raed's Facebook group, now since deactivated. I was one of the people who wrote that Wikitubia article of his. You can still see my comment, proud of what I and others had accomplished.

None of my memories have aged well. 

Cracks began to show a few years in, but I didn't know how to handle them. I was still a teenager then myself. Who would believe me? Who would believe any of us? 

With a heavy heart, on December 6, 2018 I wrote my experiences in a PasteBin, and promptly deactivated the group with a fellow conflicted mod. I'll paste it here as well in its entirety:

1. I used to be a fan - & a huge one. I found Raed in the midst of the Slenderman craze where every LPer rushed to upload a video of them completing the latest map with the funniest scares. I thought he was funny & charming, & with each new Amnesia custom story & each new Indie horror game, I found myself becoming more & more engaged, entertained, & entranced. I subscribed. I commented. I followed him on social media. I considered myself a minion.
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3. A year passed, & this Facebook group was created as a place for fellow minions to assemble outside of the Youtube & Facebook comments. It started as a small group, & it grew into something really special. The original admins passed along responsibility to me, & more admins were added along the way. I got close to them.
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5. Then Raed started venturing into Twitch. I'd watch Minecraft streams sometimes until 6 in the morning, & I'd watch Battlefront streams before, during, & after class. For special Holiday streams I made Facebook events to make sure everyone watched on Twitch. & the group was alive with memes & fanart & screenshots & everyone's favorite videos.
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7. Then Raed made a Minecraft server. One of the mods made an outside forum. Now there were even more avenues for minions to connect with each other. I got bumped up as a moderator on that forum platform as well.
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9. Things were great.
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11. & then they weren't. & slowly I started seeing glimpses of what was happening behind the curtain.
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15. Everyone's human, & so is Raed - or rather, Ralph. & humans make mistakes, & Ralph's made a lot of them.
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17. I'll cut to the chase: Ralph is a selfish individual. & he's been selfish for a long time. As I was falling out of love with Ralph as a content-creator (tastes change & that's a part of life), I was approached in private by a fellow notable minion. Someone who was incredibly active on the Minecraft server, in the FB group, & in Twitch chat. & she disclosed incredibly disturbing information that mirrored the events that unfolded on Twitter in April between Ralph & another young girl.
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19. Just like the April 2018 event, Ralph was obsessed with her, & demanded a lot of her time. It didn't matter if she had school or other obligations, he came first. & because she was young... it was easy to build her up & break her down. She shared that he wanted to fly her halfway across the world to meet him. She shared that she could either room with a nearby minion, or... stay at his house. She shared that he offered the same to others. They were all minors. & she's still dealing with a lot of the damage he's done.
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21. At the news, I was shocked. I was disgusted. I still am. & it was very hard for me to handle. Because... I didn't think he was capable of that.
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23. I struggled with the Raed that I knew (& that I still loved) in the videos, & the Ralph that I was thankful I'd never know. & in my struggle, I gradually unfollowed & unsubscribed from everything related to him. & apart from making or deleting a few comments, I was absent from the group. At that point, I still wanted to be a part of the community, & hold onto the good memories & times we've had, but... I didn't quite know how to say goodbye.
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27. Time passed. & much to my relief, the channel & the group started winding down. Other admins left. Apart from a few hardcore minions, the group was empty. & staying in the group allowed me to "keep an eye" on things, from a distance. Much of 2017 & 2018 was silent.
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29. Then April happened & everything was tossed up in the air again.
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31. Prior to making tweets directly aimed at Ralph & the community, I stayed silent because I was told to. Because it's terrifying to come forward. Because people so often dismiss & belittle these events. Because it polarizes a community against you, instead of the person / persons responsible.
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33. But I couldn't stay silent with the knowledge I've had for actual years. So, without naming any names to still protect those affected, I shared what I knew. & I got the expected backlash, outrage, & denial from Ralph, those close to Ralph, & fans who barely even know him but don't want their precious image of him tarnished. But there were also those who collaborated my story, & those who had long-been disenchanted from the channel come back to give their two cents.
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35. Like before, I stayed again in the group to "keep an eye" on things. To see if anything else would pop up.
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39. It's December now & Ralph operates under situation normal with his various avenues. & at this point... I no longer have ties to this smaller disjointed community. It's time to go. I'm ready to go.
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41. I'm not writing this to shame anyone who continues to be a fan of his. I'm sure he still gives you laughs. I'm sure he's still making content that entertains you. But just know... that he's used his moderate level of internet fame for the worse. & he's made a number of people, including his immediate family, unhappy. & that's putting it lightly. Just know that.
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43. I can't say that I wish him the best, but I will say... that I hope that he learns. & doesn't repeat those same mistakes. That's what's best.

Even this did not age well. Even I had no idea how little of the picture I still had. 

Here are some of the tweets mentioned:

If only I knew how big his lie was. 

All was quiet for a while. Then we received some harrowing news:

In Summer 2019, Ralph Sweeney was arrested and charged with two counts of luring a child – communicating with a person under the age of 18 for the purpose of facilitating an offence – making child pornography and sexual exploitation along with one count of making sexually explicit material available to a child.

I was shocked. It happened. The worst fear realized.

When we archived the Facebook Group, there was still a glimmer of hope that maybe... things could change. Maybe he could see the light. Maybe he could get help. Maybe he wouldn't implode his life and push away those who mattered most to him. 

But he chose unspeakable crimes over all of those things. 

After this, radio silence. We waited patiently for updates that did not come. Comments on the Port Hope Facebook thread remained unanswered. New press releases were never posted. The news faded as quickly as it had appeared. 

In June 2020, a multitude of YouTubers and Twitch streamers were exposed for sexual harassment and assault... and child grooming. One of the more notable, and horrifically widespread, groomers was Cryaotic. It rocked me to my core, as I had also been in that community since late 2013-early 2014. I watched the Late Night Crew every Saturday with users who became my friends. I looked up to Cry as a then-fellow pansexual. I loved the community that he and the crew had fostered together. I cherished those Saturdays, those games, those conversations, and all those memories for many, many years.

At the back of my mind, I always feared how awful Raed would be if he had access to more minors. In a way, I was thankful that his channel had been relatively small. But that horrifying fear became hellish reality with Cry. Every hour it seemed like there was a new story, a new horror. This Reddit Megathread captures the timeline and accounts. 

Survivors of all spheres began to post their stories via TwitLonger. And on June 22, the fan I had vaguely described in my PasteBin finally came forward with her story in her own words. I will only enclose her experiences with Raed from her Twitlonger below:

A lot of this might be old for people that know me or have been around me for a while. I wasn't sure if I was ready to speak up or if there was any reason. But there is. There is a reason why. Whether or not these have been outed or not, this is my story.

My first experience with YouTube was when I was 16. I decided to learn English on my own and at the time I was struggling with my mental health on my own. Until I found Raedwulfgamer. He was the first Youtuber I ever followed and I was over the moon. He suffered from depression just like me, but kept proving me it's manageable. I did everything for him. I spent hours helping him make monthly compilations. I was modding his MC server, making plenty of attractions for people. I made an entire will page for him. Starting 2013, he noticed me more. We started talking over Skype. I was 17 at the time. It was innocent at first, just talking about life and mental health. I was eating it up. I didn't know better. I was always bullied about my looks, never kissed a boy by then. And a youtuber takes interest? One night it turned into sexting. I didn't eat 2 days after. He had a girlfriend and a child. Girlfriend I personally knew. I told him I'd never do it again. He said it wasn't a big deal. He kept forcing himself onto me and when I refused, he told me I was the reason he was unhappy and he hated me. I was 17, I was naive, I didn't want my idol to hate me. So I gave in. It went on for months and months. He would send me pictures and videos of himself even before I agreed. He would tell me how he would pin me down to his bed if we met and I refused to have sex with him. He made me believe I was the cause of it all. He ended up barely talking to me later on and that's how I escaped. I kept evidence until last year when he was convicted. He's on bail. But couple weeks ago someone posted a video about how we all made it up. I wish I still had the proof I kept for years. I just wanted to forget. 7 years later it just comes back again. I'm tired. Here's a link to Canadian police article https://www.northumberlandnews.com/news-story/9552973-update-police-identify-port-hope-man-charged-with-luring-child/

I was absolutely disgusted all over again. 

Which made this "defense" video all the more disgusting.

I never had the full story through all of this. Not even Raed's partner knew the full extent of his appalling behavior, and that was one of the closest people to him. And yet here was a Moderator thinking that he had All the answers. That his "unpopular view" could be equal to opposing stances of whether or not pizza should have pineapple on it or not. That what Raed had done was a "mistake" and that he was only talking to "multiple females." 

The "females" were underage. The conduct was so gross that authorities became suspicious and involved. The conduct was so overt that he was caught in an operation by said authorities. They lured the lurer. They found paraphernalia. This is not a mistake.

It's easy to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's certainly in society's interest to blame the victim - to say that she was leading him on, lying about her age, and being the real reason that a relationship fell apart. But no. Ralph should have known better. A 32 year-old man knows exactly what he's getting into. Minors - because they were minors - do not. The fault can and never should fall with them.  

The first instinct to blame the victim is why this was kept under wraps for so many years. Why no one came forward sooner with Raedwulf, with Cryaotic, with charges brought against any prominent figure years, even multiple decades, later. 

And it made a previous conversation with a Very prominent member of the community all the worse.

"Not all of what happened is Ralph's fault."

I will never understand the willingness to uphold a cult of personality over the reality of underage victims. I will never understand the lack of empathy and compassion others have shown time and time again to these charges. 

What other side can there be? These sides are not the same. An adult has a responsibility to know better, not to initiate the sexting himself. Not to send or demand photos himself. Not to act manipulative himself. The fault lies with the adult. The fault lies with the adult. The fault lies with the adult. 

What reason is there to blame a teenager? What reason is there to blame mental illness? These are things that make and made Ralph's victim/s vulnerable - things he took advantage of as he started to take advantage of them. Even if they "went willing," how can that relationship be anything but unequal? Unhealthy? Abusive? Once more: THE FAULT LIES WITH THE ADULT. 

But fine. Let's apply the "two sides" rule to Marykay herself. Because like she said, there are two sides.

Depending on how many people are interested, it could even be held at my house.

What side were you on? How could you not be sympathetic to an aching mother and her child? How can you not see how valid her outrage is? Especially if you were one step closer to the fuller picture? Especially if you saw more than she did, and said nothing?

What side were you on? How much did you know? Were there any meet-ups? Were you involved? How do you see Ralph now that more serious charges have been raised? Is there another side to "making child pornography?" Do consent and law suddenly not apply? Do you still believe not everything that happened is Ralph's fault? 

Will we ever get those answers? I don't know. 

Many are faced with the same facts, and are unwilling to see the truth.

I do. And I have. And it hurts. 

And I'm not alone in that hurt. 

Twitch has yet to terminate his account, no many how many reports I file. And there is still no new information on his pending trial, or if there is still a trial to be had. His primary YouTube account was terminated, but his fitness account remains online (though inactive.) 

I wish I had answers and solutions, but I don't. 

Unfortunately since then, one of my fellow ex-admins has been constantly hounded for information on Facebook and Twitter. I echo his statements from his Twitlonger:

I am not the Port Hope Police department, I'm not even Canadian. . .

I commented on many of the updates on both platforms because Raed and I were casual friends in 2013-2016 and played games together, I was a manager for the Facebook community and was active in the day of the forums which allowed me limited access behind the scenes but I was not an inner circle member of the channel and I do not know anyone who was that is willing to be badgered about this issue.

I cannot give you updates, I don't have any, what Ralph did was disgusting and wrong and he was outed and arrested for it, remember that even though Raed was big to us in the grand scheme of things all he was to PHPD was some guy with a failing YouTube channel that got caught in a sting during a crackdown on pedophilia, he's not important enough for constant media coverage and I don't even have a meter on what is considered public information in Canada nor how to access it.

If you want information you're going to have to find a way to contact PHPD and field whatever version of the freedom of information act Canada has.

You guys also need to stop hitting up the people that are known to have been involved, just stop, I'm pretty sure I am not the only one trying to leave this situation behind them.

It happened, he was caught, they have everything they need, we have no updates, just let it go.

Stop messaging me about Ralph, stop tweeting at me about Ralph, he was a F rank YouTuber living in his parents house, find someone else to pack bond with.

Someone has been re-uploading his videos to create an archive. There are views on those videos. There are subscribers to that account. 

The videos still mean something to people. Those memories mean something. They want to hold onto them. I can understand that, on some level. 

When I was first learning of Raed's behavior, I started purging my favorites. I started purging my Tumblr. I started purging my bookmarks. I was disgusted, and ashamed that I was a part of the community in the first place. And I was especially ashamed being somewhat of a pillar in the community, and yet... unable to go back in time and protect his victims, nor go into the future and make sure he could be swiftly brought to justice. 

What do we do when the art we love was created by a monster? 

is an article that has stayed with me, as more and more abusers are being outed in so many spheres of media. What do you do? 

Streamers, let's players, influencers... the content that we consume and love is them, us experiencing them play a game, or react to something else, or just chatting with us. They are central to the experience. It is much harder to separate the "art from the artist" when the streamer is also the "art." Sure you could play the game yourself, but you want to watch Raed play the game. You want to talk to him in chat. You want him to laugh at what you said. You want to wish him good night. You want to share your subscription streak. You want him to pin your reply. You want him to share your tweet. You want him to interact with you. 

I can't watch anything of Raed's. I haven't for years. I never want to. In my mind, I have no idea why you could, knowing everything. 

I faced the same dilemma with Cry. His involvement with the LNC is much closer to an actor's - he was one part of a group. Sure I liked him solo, but I stayed for the interaction between his fellow actor-streamers- and what we all had thought... friends. He played his part, and the rest played theirs. The group has yet to, and possibly never will, reconvene. The fellowship has ended - for those involved, and for those who watched. 

Our comments didn't age well. Our fanmade content didn't age well. Our favorites didn't age well. Our memories are conflicted. Our money and our time has been spent. We can't take it back. What do we do now?

I wish I had answers and solutions, but I don't. I just have a lot of regrets. 

This did not age well.