letter to my 11 year-old younger self for gender class
Dear 11
year-old self,
This is your 19 year-old self
talking. In a lot of ways, you will
change drastically [and that’s a good thing.]
But in others, you will stay fundamentally the same [and that’s also a
good thing.] You’re 11 and life is still
relatively easy for you – apart from the learning how to cope with menstruation
part. I still don’t like that aspect of
our life, but it is what it is. I don’t
want to say “a part of being a girl” because not all girls menstruate.
This may come as a shock for
you. It did for me, probably two and a
half years ago. But… everything you know
about gender is wrong. It’s not your
fault specifically; it’s society’s. Forget
about those rigid gender roles because YOU don’t even embody a rigid gender
role. There are people who exist who
aren’t “male” or “female;” they exist beyond this gender binary. We call them trans* individuals. You’ll learn that people can define their own
gender on their own terms. People exist
who don’t have a gender. Some have
multiple genders. Some are in between
genders and are still deciding who they want to be – and that’s fine. Everything is acceptable and nothing is
“abnormal” or “freakish.” Knowing this will
not only help you understand others [and treat them with the dignity and
respect they deserve], but also understand yourself.
Ever since elementary school, you
haven’t always embodied traditional feminine norms. At this point in your life, you still have
mixed feelings about pink. You don’t
like to clean your room or do any housework, no matter how hard mom tries to
force it on you [I still hate those things.]
You don’t like sewing and you don’t like cooking; you would much rather
play sports – and you’ve just started competitive swimming. Your swim team becomes one of the most
enriching experiences of your life, by the way.
And you love to watch sports – especially baseball [go Giants.] Your involvement in these interests will
never change, but your understanding of these interests WILL.
You relate to being a “tomboy,” but
what does that even mean? “Tom” means
boy and “boy” means boy – isn’t that a bit redundant? I think “tomgirly” is a much more accurate
description. We’re female, but we like
things that are considered “male.” We
wear jerseys way more than we wear
dresses. We don’t wear make-up on a
regular basis because we’re lazy and we just… don’t always want to. We embody “male” traits. We like sitting on the couch with our legs
open watching a baseball game and burping loudly [who cares if it’s
“unladylike.”] We would much rather go
to a ballpark than to a mall. That’s
just US.
When you enter sophomore year, you’ll play water polo – a particularly brutal sport. You will transform from a very shy and
reluctant girl who can’t defend herself, into someone that will kick other
girls in the stomach if they’re playing dirty.
You will bleed during that
sport. You will be aggressive in that sport – all of these are “masculine” related
things, but you aren’t male. You’re a
female but you just happen to like things – a lot of things – that are gendered
male. And there is nothing wrong with
that.
There is nothing wrong with you
in general. For as long as I can remember,
we’ve never had self-confidence. In 7th
grade, you will go through a horrific bullying experience. It will take you YEARS to recover from
it. That nasty boy [who actually tried
to bully me recently but I stood up for myself – something I wish I could have
done a long time ago] will insult everything about you. He’s excused for his disgusting behavior
because “boys will be boys.” He likes
you, thus he is going to insult you – and that’s supposedly “normal” behavior
even though it’s abusive. And likewise you
internalize the abuse he gives you. You
internalize the insults your mother gives you.
You internalize the negativity society gives you. You take that through middle AND high
school. You battle with low self-esteem
and suicidal tendencies. It’s hell. You think that you’re ugly and
worthless. You think that you’re
fat. And fatness and ugliness determine
your worth as a person, you deduce. But
they DON’T.
The things these people will tell
you are toxic. DON’T LISTEN TO
THEM. They are WRONG. They are DISGUSTING. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are funny. You have friends who love and cherish you for
who you are. You may not have a significant
other thru high school – I still don’t have one – but that’s not
important. Live for YOU. You don’t need anyone else to be happy or
confident. You define and you live your own life. You should be confident for YOU. You should be happy – and you DESERVE to be
happy – for YOU. And your worth is not
tied into numbers on a scale or how big your breasts or thighs or stomach
are. Your worth isn’t even tied into
what test results you get or how fast you can swim breaststroke. You are worth more than any small thing.
I was going to say “boyfriend” up
there, but… the sky is the limit as to what significant other you can
have. After high school, you realize
that you have “bisexual tendencies.”
There are some women that you like.
They’re hot and you would date them if you were given the chance. But then, after you’re properly educated
about LGBT* matters, you realize… you’re not heterosexual. You’re not even bisexual. You are pansexual. It takes a while to get over the denial and
internalized shaming of liking the same gender as you [internalized issues are
the worst], but you soon embrace your new understanding of yourself. If you are attracted to someone, you are
attracted to someone. That’s all. If they happen to be this gender or that
gender, awesome. Your parents take it
alright, but they slip into heteronormative mindsets all the time. Your mother assumes you will marry a male
[I’m not even sure if I want to get
married.] Your dad only warns you about
boyfriends treating you incorrectly [what if your girlfriend or your
genderqueer significant other starts to abuse you?] Your mother was a bit disgusted that you
would even find female genitalia attractive.
And you friends, as soon as you revealed to them that you were pan,
thought that that meant lesbian. You’re
going to have to deal with this. People
aren’t going to understand what “pansexuality” means. You will have to define it for them. You will have to humor their attempts to
understand you. Some of them will get it
with little to no explanation. Others…
they won’t look at you the same way again.
And that’s fine. That’s because
of THEIR internalized mindsets of homophobia and what not. That is THEIR problem. You are NOT a problem.
I’m using language that you
probably can’t understand. That’s
okay. In time, you will understand these
terms. But I hope you can understand the
theme of this letter: embrace yourself.
If I could’ve been told that earlier… a lot of my life would’ve been
easier. Your future self still slips up
sometimes and lapses into self-hating dialogues [fatness is ugliness and you’re
both so you’re worthless.] It’s a hard
obstacle to overcome. And all of your
anxiety and depressive states are still very hard to overcome. Most of our friends do not understand what we
go through. Mostly because they CAN’T
understand what we go through. We don’t
trust them enough and in many aspects, they can’t be trusted. If you told them, they would only push your
issues aside. “It’s all in your head so
just get over it.” That doesn’t help. Your
mother won’t help, for the most part.
Society most DEFINITELY won’t help, for the most part. But at the same time, there are a group of
people that you do trust and you can share with them almost
anything. You are not alone in the
struggles that you face. And just
because you have struggles doesn’t mean you are worth less than other people.
It’s a process to love
yourself. It’s still not easy for me to
wake up and feel 100% proud of my body and myself. I don’t even think I’ll ever get to that
point. And that’s okay. I’m alive.
I’m alive to write this to you and that is very important.
Listen to the people that praise
you. You may think that they’re lying
and that you’re undeserving of their kindness, but you are deserving. You ARE the person they’re describing. They are NOT lying to you. You ARE special and brilliant. And beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t let the little nagging voice at the
back of your head discredit and hate you, either. You are worth everything in the world, Mica.
You are awesome. :]
From
Mica
Again
your 19 year-old future self
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