On the song “Thank You, Noah Lowry”

I am by no means a Tiger’s Jaw fan.  Up until maybe 6-7 months ago, I didn’t even know such a band existed.  & I’m still unfamiliar with them.  & I still only know them for this one song.  It’s not a jab; it is what it is.  But a person I follow posted the song however long ago & I thought I would listen to it.  Because I had an immediate reaction to the title.

Because even if I’m not a Tiger’s Jaw fan, I AM a SF Giants fan.  & the only Noah Lowry of merit I know of was a pitcher for a short time for the Giants.  & it’s almost fitting that the song is so painfully short, ending almost abruptly.  Because that’s how Noah’s career was.  It happened.  & then it was gone.

I’m not sure if Tiger’s Jaw is made of Giants fans or people who even know how to play baseball, but Noah Lowry… his name isn’t just used as a simple name drop.  & it’s not even a simple tip of the cap homage thing.  Noah Lowry is used - & is viewed by many Giants fans – as a symbol.  Of bad things happening to good people.  Of mismanagement & mistakes.  Of nostalgia tinged with melancholy & bitterness.  Of sacrifice.  Of a future that will never be, forcibly stolen. 

Noah Lowry is an everyman.  Noah Lowry is someone who had promise, who WAS special, & then everything changed; everything was taken away from him.  But even after such loss, the fire didn’t go out.  Despite the loss – almost in spite of it – Noah Lowry kept living.  & he doesn’t look back on those days with regret.  He gave everything he had & he continues to give.  So we thank him.

I won’t get into the sports medicine politics of the situation because it’s multi-layered & almost irrelevant in the face of the song & it would take ages.  But actually my reasoning is that it’s too painful for me to go through… still.  Plus ya’ll have the internet if you haven’t heard of him.  Use it.  I’ll just go over the lyrics.

We never wanted anything to change

Noah Lowry was coming into his own as a starter.  Giants fans & the Giants organization wanted to continue having & seeing Lowry in a starring role.  He had the stuff.  He had the gift.  He had it all.  What organization wouldn’t want to see a rising star blossom into a Cy Young award winner?  A World Series game winner?  A Willie Mac award winner?

& in a more general sense, we don’t want our lives to be shaken.  Especially if we’re living the dream.  Noah Lowry was certainly living a dream that few are afforded to have.  He’s in a career where you just play ball.  You play for yourself & your teammates & your team & the people watching you in the stands & at home.  That’s all.  It’s that simple.  & I bet it’s glorious, when things are going right.

When your life is seemingly perfect… you want it to stay perfect.  & even if your life is average, just “normal” with nothing too extreme, you want that to stay that way.  Stay normal.  You don’t want something wrenching you out of your life.  You don’t want anything or anyone taken away from you.  You just want control of your life.  We want control over our lives.

But we were never like this

Were never like this back then

Physical strength & prowess – that’s what defines sports.  Elite sports demands elite people at the peak of physical performance.   If it were easy, anyone could do it.  It wouldn’t be special.

& here Noah is, forced out of sports.  Forced out of his old life.  What if you were forced out of the thing you loved?  Because of your body.  Your body used to be a machine, something durable & hardy.  & now it’s broken.  You feel broken.  You feel incomplete.  & it’s ironic that your body is holding you back because you’re in a career that relies so heavily on it.  & now it’s betrayed you.  & you get diagnosis after diagnosis, surgery after surgery, trying to chase what you once were.  Before, you were healthy.  You were a horse.  You had a contract & a career ahead of you.  You had a future.  You had everything.  Now… you’re a shell of yourself, almost a mockery.  You bounce from clinic to clinic, surgeon to surgeon, & nothing helps.   You’ll never get back to what you were.  You’ll be that same person again.

Life is cruel & it gives us cruel jokes.  Like the doctor that works so hard to cure people, but then comes down with an incurable disease.  It’s not fair, but it happens.

And with these tired hands

We’ll count our losses

And start all over again

First Noah tries to pitch again.  He goes & gets the surgeries.  He makes all those practice throws.  He makes the effort to make a resurgence back into the Majors.  But it just doesn’t happen.  & now it looks like retirement.  He resists it for years, desperately clinging to the dream – because who wouldn’t?  Who could blame him for wanting to get his life back?  Who doesn’t want the best thing that happened to them back?  He has every right to. 

But then…finally… no.  These hands that once pitched are tired of struggling; they’re tired of straining against the now.  Maybe it’s time to stop fighting.  Maybe it’s time to stop pitching.  Maybe it’s time to stop hurting my body even more, risking myself over & over again just for a chance to play, not even a guarantee.  Maybe it’s time for me to rethink my path.  & start all over again.

Noah has a ski & sport shop that he’s pouring his attention to.  & everyone else has to find that new path to go on.  Everyone else has to turn that new leaf.  Everyone has to take a deep breath & press that restart button.  What happened happened.  Sometimes we have to let it go, cut our losses, & just keep moving.

I’ve got a plan, but no confidence

But it’s a struggle to change.  Especially if this ONE THING has defined you for your entire life – like being an athlete.  It becomes you.  It literally is all you do for years, consuming every hour of every day.  You wake up to it.  You go to sleep to it.  Or you don’t go to sleep over it.  You enjoy it when it’s going good.  You obsess over it & hate it when it’s going bad.  & then BAM.  It’s gone.  This thing that was your EVERYTHING is gone so you feel that EVERYTHING IS GONE.  & now… what do I do with my life?

Especially for an elite athlete, it’s a crisis.  After being pruned & conditioned just to play sports… what now?  Some forgo college & go right into the system as a young 17 or 18 years-old, still so very naïve about the world.  & even if you’re in college, you’re more of an athlete that happens to be a student than a student-athlete.  All of your time is spent perfecting your craft, sometimes little else on the rest.  & if this has been your job, your occupation, for a number of years… what else is out there?  CAN you go out there if you know next to nothing?  If you have no other skills but this? – baseball, in Noah’s case.  After years of training & drafting & specializing & forgoing so many other things just to play sports… now there’s suddenly no sports.  It’s gone.  What do you do?

& even if it’s not as extreme or specific as being rendered permanently unable to play at a high level or at any level, we don’t know if we can make it.  After that ONE thing, our favorite thing that defines us for good or for bad, we don’t know.  It seems like an impossible task.  We DON’T have confidence that we’ll succeed.  It seems hopeless.

Face down on the floorboards wondering

Will we ever recover?

& sometimes you find yourself just reminiscing about the old life & wondering, especially in Noah’s case, “Will I physically recover?  What if I did?”  & in a more broad & universal sense: will I mentally recover?  Will I get out of this struggle?  Will I be able to live again?  Will I be able to put the past behind me & move on?  Or am I cursed?  Or is this going to last forever?  & why me?  Why did it have to be me, of all people?  Why?

Physically, Noah will not recover.  He will never be able to perform at that elite level again.  The most he can force out is maybe 25% - & that’s pushing it.  But he’s mentally healed.  He misses the game & misses his teammates, but he’s moved on.

Noah Lowry is the perfect everyman metaphor.  & this song really is an everyman song.  Will WE ever recover?  WE never want anything to change.  It relates to all of us & the struggles that we face, even if they’re not as specific or career-endingly serious as Noah’s.

& even if you didn’t watch him play, just listening to the song & his story… you can relate on some level.  We’ve all been there on the floor, wondering if we’ll ever get past this.  We’ve all been horribly anxious about change, & what we’re faced with now that there HAS been change.  What will the future bring?  How will I survive this?  & we’ve all had something taken away from us, whether it’s a skill or a person or even an object, that’s rendered us immobile – physically, emotionally, psychologically… or a mixture of the three.

But despite everything, Noah Lowry still lives.  He gave his all to the Giants – to life - & I thank you.  You keep moving forward & living & I thank you.  Thank you, Noah Lowry; thank you.

& I do miss watching you pitch.  I miss you so much.